Peoria's Picks - Week 5 - It's Nut Cuttin' Time

If I were more cliched, I'd write some lyrics to "Wanna Be Startin' Something" right here to celebrate my triumphant return to .500 with my picks. But that shit would be tired and wrong.

Instead, I'm going to go with some more appropos lyrics from everyone's favorite Viking Death Metal Band, Amon Amarth.

"Charge your horses through the fields...together we ride...INTO DESTINY!"
(Isn't Sweden Great?)

OK, so maybe my results weren't exactly pillaging and burning the gambling scene since I was only .500, but it was a rush nonetheless. Onto this week's lines. Let's keep this trend moving all the way to Valhalla.

Last Week - 4-4

YTD - 11-20

Michigan getting 3.5 at MICHIGAN STATE. No matter what happens, this game should be close, and I like Michigan's talent a lot better than the puds that Dantonio has thrown on the field thus far. Michigan's defense stifles a lethargic Spartan offense (who really, REALLY miss Javon Ringer). Wolverines 28, Spartans 24.

Clemson by 11.5 at MARYLAND. As I already mentioned, the wheels have fallen off of the bus at Maryland. Their talent level is about 1/5th of Clemson's, and Dabo Sweeney has got about four or five weeks left until his high-energy approach starts wearing off. Yeah, I know Clemson is a bigger choke artist than Chuck Knoblauch holding a paintbrush full of oil paint, but this isn't a big game for them, only for Maryland. Tigers 35, Maryland 13.

MINNESOTA by 2 at Wisconsin. Hell, I don't know what is going to happen in this game, especially considering that the T-Brew Crew was out punching people in the face and swinging wooden boards at D-III football players last weekend. This will be a close game, and the T-Brew Crew held off a feisty Northwestern team last weekend in front of about 857 people. OK, so there were 22,0091 people there, but I'm pretty sure that at least 12,000 of them were reading Hemingway while calculating the specific gravity of Mercury suspended in a collodial protein solution. This weekend should bring 51,000+ out for the game against the hated Badgers, which should be a good advantage. Plus, I think Wisconsin is a very, very poor team. All they have is 2 good running backs and a QB doing his best Kyle Orton as a Denver Bronoco impresssion. Ugly. Gophers 31, BADgers 28.

Penn State by 7 at ILLINOIS. Let me "Break it to you Gently" Zooker, you are officially on the hot seat. With Juice Williams playing more like Juice Newton these days, there are some rough times ahead for the Illini. Their frighteningly explosive offense now looks the the equivalent of a SCUD missile launcher firing bottle rockets into the desert sky. As the Juice Flows, so flow the Illini. Penn State has to find an O-Line, but their defense has more than enough mojo to shut down the only weapon that the Zooker has left, Arelious Benn. Paternos Patsies 31, Zookers Hookers 14.

C'mon Coach, let me sing "Queen of Hearts! I can't throw any picks when I'm singing karaoke!"

The OVER at 47.5 on the Navy/AIR FORCE game. As always, a yearly favorite to watch. This got me thinking, other than football, the only other rivalry I can think of between these two branches of the military is who had the best movies made about themselves. Quite amazing if you think about it, since the Air Force is losing this battle about 79-2. Navy has Top Gun, Crimson Tide, Midway, Hunt for Red October, NAVY Seals (possibly Charlie Sheen's best work), A Few Good Men, G.I. Jane, Under Seige (Segal at his finest), South Pacific (for those Musical lovers out there), and The Caine Mutiny. The Air Force? Ha. Let's think... Hot Shots!, Stealth, and Memphis Belle. That's about it. I guess with all of the homos in Hollywood it is no surprise that the Navy has better results at the box office, but I digress, since we are still living in a "don't ask, don't tell" era. Anyway, this game always produces more points than it feels like it should, kind of like Eric Mangini taking a dump after swallowing a bag full of jacks. Get it? Produces more "points"? Ha. Midshipmen 35, Cadets 38.

The UNDER at 50.5 on the Oklahoma/MIAMI game. Until last year this game has always been a close one, and this one shapes up as a defensive struggle akin to the trench warfare of WWI. Remember, this Oklahoma defense blanked Tulsa and Idaho State the last two weeks and Miami's defense is no slouch itself. Without Bradford throwing darts around the field, I see this one as a slugfest that ends with low scoring and a Sooner victory. Stoopsie 24, Randy Shannon 17.

The OVER at 51 on the Auburn/TENNESSEE game. Layno's got a decent defense, but there isn't a D-Coordinator that has figured out how to stop Guz Malzahn's offense regardless of where he has coached. Tigers 38, Vols 28.

Alabama by 16 at KENTUCKY. Am I worried about taking Nick Saban by over 2 TD's? Sure I am. But did you watch that abortion that Kentucky calls a run defense last week? My goodness, I think I've seen better run defenses in the Classic Lake. The Tide is going to run around, through, and past everyone in a blue uniform. The home field advantage didn't help the Domesticated Cats at home against Florida, and I doubt it is going to do much for them this week. Plus, Saban needs to blow out some SEC opponents to get his BCS cred, and this seems like the perfect time to do it. Tide 42, Persian Cats 14.