The Return of the King?

Sorry about my absence last week...I was doing an in-depth investigative report on the state of Lou Holtz's health and I didn't have time to post anything on the blog. One quick excerpt - he actually died 7 years ago in Columbia, SC after suffering a massive stroke. While he was pronounced dead at the scene, the group of South Bend Nuns floated into the morgue, took his body, and 6 days later he was reanimated using an obscure method of resuscitation developed by Pope Sergius III in the spring of 907 AD. Dr. Lou has been polluting the airwaves ever since, and the small convent of mystic nuns could not be happier.

Anyway, look for that report hitting the news stands near you sometime soon. As for this week, it is time to make some picks. Let's get it started.

TEXAS by 3 vs Oklahoma. I usually shy away from picking these games, but not this year. I'll be in Wisconsin during this telecast and won't be able to watch it, but I get the feeling like Mack Brown and his horses on defense are going to take it to a half-healthy Sam Bradford. Texas 38, Oklahoma 31.

Minnesota getting 18.5 at PENN STATE. For whatever reason, Minnesota always plays JoePa Tough. PSU looked great last week, but the Gopher squad isn't half bad, and this is a HUGE line. T-Brew doesn't have enough in the tank to win, but it will be a two-score game at most. JoePa 35, Goofers 24.

Southern Cal by 10 at NOTRE DAME. The last time Notre Dame beat Pete Carrol, Arnaz Battle and Carlyle Holliday were playing quarterback for the Irish. Ugh. Notre Dame has shown some big play ability with Golden Tate usually taking advantage of some idiot DB falling down to scoot into the endzone. I don't see that type of thing happening against the pack of wild dogs that is the USC defense. SC wins this one by 2 touchdowns. Carrols Crips 38, ChuckWheats Creamers 21.

Va Tech by 3 at GEORGIA TECH. The immovable object versus the irresistible force, right? This is a goofball football coach's wet dream, with the nations most unique offense going head to head with a bunch of dog-fighting thugs who play stout defense and amazing special teams. Beamer ball overcomes the pressure this week and firmly places their name in the hat as one of the best college football teams in all the land. Hokies 27, BumbleBees 17.

Washington getting 7 at ARIZONA STATE. Is this line for real? Arizona State has beaten, in reverse chronological order, Washington State, UL Monroe, and Idaho State. Can someone explain to me why they are favored? It is pretty clear that I've got a massive mancrush on Jake Locker, but even taking that into consideration, Washington should ROLL in this game, right? This is definitely a trap gambling game, but whatever, I'm taking the points. Washington 31, Sun Devils 17.

Now time for a new experiment, the "Dartboard Pick of the Week," where I'll just pick a few games at random and argue one side or the other as to why I'm picking the game. With my results so far, how much worse can I be?

Dartboard Pick #1:

Houston by 16 over TULANE. The last relevant Green Wave in New Orleans was named Katrina, and we all know how well that went over. Has anyone at Tulane thought about changing the name of their mascot? Seriously, what is more offensive. "The Fighting Sioux", who apparently don't give a flying crapola about the use of their name and are depicted as fearless, bad ass warriors, or "The Green Wave" who represent the largest domestic weather disaster in American history? What a joke. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the Flickertail Era at UND, however. Houston 48, Green Wave 20.

Dartboard Pick #2:

The OVER at 54.5 on the SAN DIEGO STATE/Brigham Young game. Ugh. What a boring game this is going to be. San Diego State has not been relevant since...well...ever. At least they can build a shrine to Marshall Faulk, I guess. BYU has a legimately great offense and should score at LEAST 42 points on the Aztecs. Remember, the last time a bunch of white religious fanatics competed against a group of people called "Aztecs" it did not end well for the brown folk. Mormons 45, Masa Mealers 17.

Dartboard Pick #3:

The OVER at a paltry 45 on the ALABAMA/South Carolina game. This one scares me. Alabama's offense looked like it needed an injection from Forrest Gump last week and their defense absolutely dismantled the Houston-Nutter Offense. For whatever reason, however, these games have been historically high scoring affairs, probably due to the fact that each team should rack up at least 150 penalty yards for various infractions such as peeing on the bed of collard greens, stoning pigs to death with rocks (they got the idea from the Bo Jackson biography), and burning the confederate flag. Each team only has to score 3 TD's apiece for the over, so I'm taking it. Alabama 31, South Carolina 17.