Last week's interview with the deceased Jimmy the Greek produced more fan mail than Scoops and Pliers could handle, so after a briefing with our strategic board of advisers, it was determined that the next logical step was to provide a point-counterpoint discussion on the "High-Thighs" comments posted on the blog. After much discussion, the board settled on the only logical choice for such a counterpoint, and a phone call to the publicist of Louis "Sweet Lou" Farrakhan. He was engaged with Peoria Pliers less than three hours later. This is the transcript of that conversation.
Peoria Pliers: Reverend...err, Minister...uhh...Mr. Farrakhan, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us this afternoon, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to grant us this interview on such short notice, given your considerable speaking schedule.
Sweet Lou: It is no problem at all, my undignified brother. After reading the comments of the evil, albeit deceased, Jimmy the Greek, Allah flowed through my blood and directed me to come on board and fight these charges put forth by angry white men on the behalf of angry black men everywhere. And thus, here I am.
Peoria Pliers: Awesome. I think I feel the spirit already. Anyway, how does it make you feel that one of the most distinguished and expired sports bettors of all time still believes that race plays such a huge part in the success of the college football athlete, particularly in the "Durrty-Durrty", AKA the Deep South?
Sweet Lou: Frankly, Peoria, it hurts me, much like Cain was hurt that his sacrifice was not accepted. And that cuts deep. This whole business about "high thighs" and back muscles seems to be another cog in the Rube Goldberg-esqe machinery of the White Man's Lies. By the way, I have a book coming out in a few weeks. Did I mention that?
Peoria Pliers: A book huh? That's great. Let's get back to the subject at hand. Given Jimmy's comments, in general, do you feel that college football ends up being a positive experience for these kids from the rural south, or is it just another way for the "Old SEC Boys Club" to subjugate the poor and athletic in a Roman Colosseum type environment (see: Athens, GA or Auburn, AL)?
Sweet Lou: Yeah, my book is going to be great, unless you are a Christian, then you will probably hate it. Or Jewish. You will probably hate it too. But if you are white....err...well, you would probably hate it also. Otherwise, it's gonna be great! Your readers can pick it up at any local bookstore that specializes in extremest Muslim texts...
Peoria Pliers: OK Mr. Farrakhan, we told your publicist no plugs, that is enough. Please answer the question.
Sweet Lou: Oh yeah, sorry. It just makes me so fired up that our young brothers and sisters are out there not buying my books. Umm, OK, where were we? The rural south. My book touches on this a little bit. Essentially, the SEC is nothing more than a modernized plantation. Instead of Cotton, there are BCS games. Instead of indentured servants, there are college kids. Sure, they get a free education and a chance to escape the harsh realities of life in rural south, but that doesn't make it right that stadiums are packed full of rabid football fans every weekend. It's more of an abomination than eating swine, that's all I can say, and it is probably Dick Cheney's fault. Or George W. Bush. One of the two. But let's get back to my book...
Peoria Pliers: Enough about the book, please. Are you seriously saying that the SEC is modernized slavery and that all college kids playing in the SEC, regardless of their race, are victims of some policy put forth by the current presidential administration? Seriously?
Sweet Lou: Hey, whatever sells my book, man. Ohhh, wait. Was the microphone on there? I didn't mean to say that out loud. This is kind of like that part in Austin Powers where he says what he is thinking out loud. Damnit, I did it again. Ummm, yeah. Hang on, my publicist is calling...[muffled speech]....[muffled speech]... OK, sorry Mr. Pliers, it seems that, uhh, my publicist says that this interview is unfortunately going to have to come to an end...thanks for having me on. I really enjoyed our talk about the welfare system.
Peoria Pliers: We didn't talk about the welfare system. This was about college football in the south.
Sweet Lou: Oh yeah. Whatever. Did I mention I have a book coming out next week?
Peoria Pliers: That will be all, Mr. Farrakhan. Assalaamu 'Aleykum.
Peoria Pliers: Reverend...err, Minister...uhh...Mr. Farrakhan, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us this afternoon, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to grant us this interview on such short notice, given your considerable speaking schedule.
Sweet Lou: It is no problem at all, my undignified brother. After reading the comments of the evil, albeit deceased, Jimmy the Greek, Allah flowed through my blood and directed me to come on board and fight these charges put forth by angry white men on the behalf of angry black men everywhere. And thus, here I am.
Peoria Pliers: Awesome. I think I feel the spirit already. Anyway, how does it make you feel that one of the most distinguished and expired sports bettors of all time still believes that race plays such a huge part in the success of the college football athlete, particularly in the "Durrty-Durrty", AKA the Deep South?
Sweet Lou: Frankly, Peoria, it hurts me, much like Cain was hurt that his sacrifice was not accepted. And that cuts deep. This whole business about "high thighs" and back muscles seems to be another cog in the Rube Goldberg-esqe machinery of the White Man's Lies. By the way, I have a book coming out in a few weeks. Did I mention that?
Peoria Pliers: A book huh? That's great. Let's get back to the subject at hand. Given Jimmy's comments, in general, do you feel that college football ends up being a positive experience for these kids from the rural south, or is it just another way for the "Old SEC Boys Club" to subjugate the poor and athletic in a Roman Colosseum type environment (see: Athens, GA or Auburn, AL)?
Sweet Lou: Yeah, my book is going to be great, unless you are a Christian, then you will probably hate it. Or Jewish. You will probably hate it too. But if you are white....err...well, you would probably hate it also. Otherwise, it's gonna be great! Your readers can pick it up at any local bookstore that specializes in extremest Muslim texts...
Peoria Pliers: OK Mr. Farrakhan, we told your publicist no plugs, that is enough. Please answer the question.
Sweet Lou: Oh yeah, sorry. It just makes me so fired up that our young brothers and sisters are out there not buying my books. Umm, OK, where were we? The rural south. My book touches on this a little bit. Essentially, the SEC is nothing more than a modernized plantation. Instead of Cotton, there are BCS games. Instead of indentured servants, there are college kids. Sure, they get a free education and a chance to escape the harsh realities of life in rural south, but that doesn't make it right that stadiums are packed full of rabid football fans every weekend. It's more of an abomination than eating swine, that's all I can say, and it is probably Dick Cheney's fault. Or George W. Bush. One of the two. But let's get back to my book...
Peoria Pliers: Enough about the book, please. Are you seriously saying that the SEC is modernized slavery and that all college kids playing in the SEC, regardless of their race, are victims of some policy put forth by the current presidential administration? Seriously?
Sweet Lou: Hey, whatever sells my book, man. Ohhh, wait. Was the microphone on there? I didn't mean to say that out loud. This is kind of like that part in Austin Powers where he says what he is thinking out loud. Damnit, I did it again. Ummm, yeah. Hang on, my publicist is calling...[muffled speech]....[muffled speech]... OK, sorry Mr. Pliers, it seems that, uhh, my publicist says that this interview is unfortunately going to have to come to an end...thanks for having me on. I really enjoyed our talk about the welfare system.
Peoria Pliers: We didn't talk about the welfare system. This was about college football in the south.
Sweet Lou: Oh yeah. Whatever. Did I mention I have a book coming out next week?
Peoria Pliers: That will be all, Mr. Farrakhan. Assalaamu 'Aleykum.
2 comments:
As a wise, albeit drunk man once said, "I want to kiss you."
I #*%^$*! hate those right-wing mother-$#@!^&!.
They are so ^%#@*&! shameless!
Post a Comment