Oh Pliers Boy, The Pipes, The Pipes are Calling - Pliers Picks Week 3

I've called myself a lot of things over the years, and loser is absolutely one of them (0-9 baby!), but I can't recall a losing streak like this since the first Bush administration was making mediocre policy decisions and pulling out of Iraq sooner than they should have. OK, so I was 11 years old back then, but still, I think I probably made more good decisions during my entire 7th grade year than I have so far this season.

No use crying over spilled covers, however, so we will keep going. I have decided, however, that if I don't turn it around in the next two weeks and average at least a .400 winning percentage I am going to quit handicapping NCAA football games and go straight for the Harness Racing scene. God help us if that happens.

Onto the picks...pray with me, Sister Moriarty...

Last Week - 2-6
YTD - 7-16

Mizzou by 7 at NEVADA. I am 95% sure that Nevada's entire offense is being held by a child molester in the backyard of an affluent California neighborhood. Can we get the FBI on top of this please? Nevada got shut down by Notre Dame and then came out and took a dump against Colorado State. Last year, the future CFL star Chase Daniel and his cronies hung 69 on Nevada, and that is historical precedent that oughta continue. Mizzou 48, Nevada 10.

Minnesota getting 1 at NORTHWESTERN. The last time the Gophers beat Northwestern, the country was still reeling from the re-election of George the Second and "Goodies" by Ciara was introducing the country to the hottest question of 2000's hip-hop..."Is Ciara really hot or just a post-op tranny?" Either way, I say the Gophers are two things:

• More due for a victory than Phil Specktor's attorneys
• More athletic than the Wildcats (I just shuddered saying that)

By that measure, I say that this game is a toss up since T-Brew is about 1/3rd the coach that Fitzgerald is, but I've gotta go with my Alma Mater this week. Call it a gut feeling Also, T-Brew, if you are reading, PLEASE THROW THE BALL TO GREEN. He's good. Seriously. Good. Gaffers 24, PurplePoos 14.

Ciara says, "Go Gophers! Does anyone have any more foundation makeup? I'm starting to get a 5 o'clock shadow here."

Washington getting 9 at STANFORD. Guess what, Mr. Harbaugh...Jake Locker is better than you were. And you were pretty stinkin' good. I love Locker, I like Washington's athleticism, I like their coaches, and I really like their confidence right now. Some might say this is a letdown game after bumping off USC last week, but after you lose almost 20 games in a row I don't think you need a letdown week to know how hard you've got to work to win. Washington pulls the upset in the Bay Area, but nobody notices since they are all trying to figure out ways to cripple our economy with anti-business initiatives. Huskies 35, Cardinal 21.

PENN ST by 9 vs Iowa. This is one of my favorite yearly matchups to watch every year. Iowa/PSU is the Big Ten equivalent of South Carolina/Georiga in the SEC, except once the comparison breaches the Mason-Dixon, the concept gets flipped. JoePa and Ferentz have two of the most disciplined and intelligent programs in the nation, the polar opposite of the weekly knifefights that take place across the south each weekend in the fall. Anyway, the difference in this game is Daryl Clark and the PSU crowd. Nittany Lions 24, Iowa 13.

Western Kentucky getting 30.5 at NAVY. Does Pliers know anything about Western Kentucky? No. Has he seen them play? No. Does he know that their mascot is a giant cotton ball dipped in red Kool-Aid? Yes. And he also knows that Navy is not about putting up huge amounts of points when they get up on someone. 4+ touchdown favorite? I'm the child of a 22-year Navy vet and even I think that is ridiculous. This isn't Midway, it's a football game! CottonBalls 14, Navy 38.

The Hilltoppers will run the white flag up the mast and call off the attack early...and I think Navy will oblige.

Rutgers getting 1 at MARYLAND. Sure, Schiano hasn't beaten anyone of note this year, but Ralphie's team looks like it might be better off staying home and playing with it's Red Ryder Carbine BB gun. They lost to M. Tennessee State last week, sneaked by James Madison, and got blown out by Cal on opening night. They just look slow out there to me, and I think it's time to show Ralph the door, he just isn't effective anymore. Rutgers 27, Maryland 10.
Sorry, Ralph, it looks like the dream is over. But in memory of all the good times you have given us, here is your parting gift. It's Italian.

Pittsburgh getting 1.5 at NC STATE. If any team exemplifies "The Ewing Theory" put forth by Bill Simmons more in the NCAA this season, I haven't seen it. We have all been waiting for Pitt to break out with the talent they have and the prudent coaching of Dave "The Bushy One" Wannstedt. So, what does it take? LeSean McCoy to go pro. Now the light goes on. Perfect. NC State is a lackluster program with lackluster talent in my opinion, and I like the guy on the sidelines at Pitt FAR more than the jerk-ass leading the Wolfpack. Panthers 21, Wolfies 9.

Michigan St getting 3 at WISCONSIN. I really hate this pick, but I need 8 and this is the best of what is left. I'm always weary of picking against Wisconsin at Camp Randall, but I think Michigan State is much better than they have played and I'm hoping Dan-Tony-O can resurrect the swagger they played with last year. King Leonidas 17, Stinking Badgers 10.