Pliers' Picks - 2009 Edition - Week 1

"Guess who's back in the M-F'in house, with a fat pick for your M-F'n mouth?"

Snoop Dogg lyrics from the mid-90's quoted by a white guy from the suburbs. It just doesn't get any better, does it? After spending the last nine months getting over the 2-6 stinkbomb I put up during the last week last year putting my final record at a paltry at 45-55-1, I think I've got a new system. More on that mid-season, if it works. If not, who gives a crap? How much worse an I get than 10 below .500? Besides, now that Ty Willingham is out of the head coaching biz, I oughta make up at least 5 picks from last year. That guy killed me.

Onto the picks.

Western Michigan getting 13.5 at MICHIGAN. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me thrice with an NCAA scandal staring your team in the eye, shame on Rich-Rod. A team that hasn't, umm, let's say "Started Hot" the past few years facing a Western Michigan team that is pretty awful but should be good enough to keep it close. Eff you Rich-Rod. Michigan 28, W. Michigan 24.

USC by 33.5 vs. San Jose St. I bet you are asking yourself when the last time USC was favored by 30 or more points. You guessed it! Last November vs. Notre Dame! Call me crazy, but if they can cover against The Jimmy Clausen Experiment, they sure as hell can cover at home vs. The Condom Wrapper Mascot Memorial Team in San Jose St. I don't care who starts at QB for the Carroll Crew, they roll. Big. Trojans 45, Spartans 10.

WAKE FOREST by 1.5 vs Baylor. Robert Griffin showed flashes last year and all of a sudden everyone is making him out to be the next Charlie Ward. I'm not buying it. Not yet. Not at home against a defense that returns tons of guys at HOME. No dice. Wake 28, Baylor 10.

The OVER at 61 on the NOTRE DAME/Nevada game. This seems like simple math to me.

Pistol Offense returning 8 guys on offense + Jimmy "The Promise" Clausen as an upperclassman with talent around him + two terrible defenses from a year ago BOTH decimated by graduation. This one should be fun to watch. Hopefully they don't show Tom Hammond as often as they do Alex Flanagan. Notre Dame 45, Nevada 30.

Va Tech getting 7 at ALABAMA. Am I the only person that thinks "Roll Tide" sounds like a Proctor and Gamble product for getting armpit stains out of t-shirts? Alabama returns only 4 starters from last year's mediocre offense, and while their defense should be very stout, they have had an entire year to gloat and eat pork rinds down in Tuscaloosa after their impressive showing last year. Maybe I just hate Nick Saban (no, wait, I REALLY do hate Nick Saban), but I think Va Tech is a better team, even without their stud RB. Tyrod Taylor is going to be better off against the Roll-On Tide than the Crimson offense will do against Beamer-Ball. Plus, this game is in Atlanta. No home field SEC ballgame here. Best game of the week by far. Va Tech 20, Roll-On Tide 10.

Minnesota by 6 at SYRACUSE. I'll save the T-Brew fawning for Scoopsie, but let's be honest...Syracuse is going to be TERRIBLE. They were awful last year and they return only 8 starters from last year. Minnesota finally goes back to the running game and they have the guys to do it, so I think they should steamroll the bad teams and get whooped by the good ones. T-Brew Crew 38, Orange Crushed 21.

BOISE ST. by 3 on the blue turf vs Oregon. Spitting in the face of Scoops, this is one of those dangerous WAC teams that knows how to play on the big stage and has a RABID fan base. Plus, I'm still counting on Jared Zabransky's goatee to mean something. Boise 38, Oregon 31.

The OVER at 46 on the Middle Tennessee State/CLEMSON game. Random pick of the week. I love C.J. Spiller, and both teams bring back EVERYONE on offense. Dabo Sweeney should have his squad in better spirits to start the year than last year with Darth Vader at the helm. I don't know if they are going to blow MTSU out, but both teams ought to be able to score, and this a very low O/U. Clemson 35, MTSU 14.

So that is it. As long as I get as lucky with my picks as Marion Barry got with his cellmates, we should all make some money this college football season, right?